If only, back in those younger days of mine all the way up to my very first day of college how bad people are, I would’ve been so much happier, but all of those years of happiness are gone because of my unexplainable lack of an understanding of what happiness truly is. Even in college I was happy for a good portion of time no matter the drama as that at least added some sort of emotional excitement I had not felt before. In doing so, I was even able to claim an alternate identity which everyone knew me by.
Since all of the malfunctioning debacles that have happened, I have unknowingly reverted back to this degenerate fool who works best alone and requires no communication or social interaction thereof. No longer am I a fool, but still are the reactions of others. It seems that as I become this being of myself–clumsy, pathetic, deep in thinking–I learn to basically forget everything around me–life, politics, friendship, former acquiescences, even happiness itself. The irony of it all is that I always find a way to cause unhappiness for others no matter who I am. It was very strange to go back to my former self with such an upgrade in experience, but it is about the same as the past. I can no longer become a better being in my current state.
Oh, were it for only a change in my past personality without a lack of experience, I might’ve survived even to this day, but it was that experience from the past personality that has made me into the rock I am today and the rock I will stay. I keep having memories occasionally flood me from my past endeavors with little to no care as to my preferred state of mind. These little nuances remind me of a past that I had forgone and lived yet it seemed so much like a work of fiction based on the events of reality much like a dream. These dreams are my experiences, the ones I speak of which associated me with the life I no longer live.
Would it be calmer just to be alone? Loneliness is only a word which means nothing any longer. I am quite content as content may be as I come to accept who I am now. A jerk? The name alludes to myself in this current form even with the experiences of college. Anger, something I was without for many years has been creeping up on my psyche more and more. I am trying to forget more and more of this life so that I may be created anew again in a land far away from the taxing and burdensome city I’ve spent the entirety of my life.
Were it not for responsibility, I would’ve become the most evil beings known only because I was created that way. If only I had more control over those emotions, but, in effect, those emotions are controlled by others who are around me and surround me everyday. Alone sounds good. It sounds better than good. I was not happiest when alone, but I was not filled with such emotions of malintention. Yes, even now I can still create, create words of no meaning and blog posts in the form of poetry.
Ah! An idea. A striking idea. Rather and discontinue that which creates me, why not create discontinuities through invention. I believe it would be best if I were more honest because, in a realistic sense, that will eliminate all bounds of lie. I have it! “Eureka!” I say.
This blog of mine may change yet. To be famous but not be known. I believe this is my future.
